Manxome Love
by Emozenith
Summary: Gotham's cupid is at it once again. This time, maybe Jervis will finally find out for Alice Do cats eat bats? Or do bats eat cats? Batman/Joker.
1. Gyring and Gimbling

Pairings: Batman/Joker mainly, various others mentioned.

Comicverse Joker and B:TAS Mad Hatter with mention of the child molestation rumours surrounding Jervis in some comics.

Events mentioned took place in the B:TAS episode "Make 'Em Laugh". If you haven't watched that, some parts of this will make little to no sense.

Parts of Jervis' speech in bold are quotes from the various works of Lewis Carroll.

This was requested after my previous story, Cupid Wears a Top Hat, in which Jervis plays cupid for Scarecrow and The Riddler. You don't need to have read that but references are made to it in here.

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman, the comics or Animated Series. If I did, Jervis Tetch would get more love.

* * *

"Come on! Throw a ukulele in here or something! I'll learn to play it with my feet!" That was The Joker's 94th loud attempt to get his solitary confinement-induced boredom alleviated and the 93rd which had fallen on deaf ears – He had been told that he certainly wasn't being let out of his straitjacket if he intended to scratch his skin until it bled and paint "BORING" on the padded walls with his blood.

Grumbling, the pale clown fell back onto his arse in the middle of the room, head lolling and eyelids slightly failing him. The sedatives that had been used to get him in here what must have been a few days ago now had worn out of his system but he wouldn't doubt there were more in the food he was given.

Before his last bout of shouting, The Joker had been bouncing himself off the walls rather than just his voice. It had tired him but playing Ricochet was one of the only games he could in here when straitjacketed. More fun than simply kicking the walls.

Since this was the solitary room padded all over, except one tiny top corner that housed a camera, it was a challenge to see if you could throw yourself at one of the walls hard enough to sail across the small room and hit the other without touching the floor. You could do it, provided you didn't mind somewhat cheating by doing it diagonally in a corner. By now, with all the finely skilled practice he'd put in over the years, The Joker was nearing being able to do it across the whole cell

The whole point of the straitjacket and wadding was to stop poor, insane you hurting yourself.

Therefore the Clown Prince had to play a game like Ricochet to hurt himself.

"It's probably why they give me the seds..." He muttered in a low, embittered tone that betrayed all of the sheer brilliance, sanity and sense covered by the maniacal killing, diabolical jokes and very snappy purple suits.

Closing his caustic green eyes, The Joker let out a sigh and fell sideways, giving up for the moment to conserve strength for the next bout.

"It's all about timing...!" He muttered, giving a short and jaunty giggle. "Everyone knows comedy's all about timing..." With his face relaxed by exhaustion, his grin only looked manic, not evil. "Even Bats knows that..." Why else would Batman always show up at the most wonderful moment, just in time for the punchline?

Never too early, never too late.

Always when the scheme's underway but never allowing its conclusion.

"Well..." The Joker drawled, tonguing at his blood red lips. Those dead and disabled bat-brats never had been the real punchline, just a little prelude. "Warm-up material... You know..."

Sighing again, The Joker began to daydream, various forms of smiles and grins flitting across his bleached face.

The hatch clanged, breaking his reverie, and in came food however long later. You never knew in here but the psychotic clown felt accomplished for his mental planning and reminiscing.

Dragging himself up to sitting, his thin, emerald eyebrows creased at the bowl shoved in for him like a dog. "Hey! What's Fido going to eat out of now?! I hope I've not stolen his bowl; I'd feel ever so guilty if I had!" His intonation raised into quivering sarcasm before The Joker fell backwards over himself with a whooping cackle, ending up back on a pad of the floor again.

Actually... food was just what he needed to start up his next rousing round of, "999 dead Robins on the wall" for any poor dolts stuck watching him.

Scrabbling over the best he could with only his feet loose and hoarse laughter still emanating from his throat, the clown momentarily stuck out a very bright, cerise tongue at the rice-vegetable slop they served him in here before shuffling into a position where he'd be able to eat face-first, just like a dog again. Any other rogue who ended up in here got help eating if straitjacketed; no one cared about The Joker.

Neither did he, happy simply to bend over forward and tuck in.

The metal bowl began to slink to his right, just a tiny bit, very slowly.

Pausing, red mouth open and white face cocked, The Joker studied the languidly escaping bowl with his piercing greens before shutting and gritting his teeth with a click. "Hey! Food!" He hissed. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your eater?" The slop had slightly changed direction now, taking a scenic detour in the direction of his knee.

Well the Clown Prince, joint ruler of this fair city called Gotham with his dear Batman, wasn't standing for recalcitrant food.

"Aaa... Umph!"

The joker ended up with a face and mouthful of floor padding, having missed his mark narrowly.

To those watching on the grainy, old camera, it was just that old, murderous clown playing with his food again, being a bit dopey with his aim due to sedatives in the system.

To The Joker, this was war!

"Right! Get back here and get in my mouth this instant you-!" At his raised voice, the dog bowl of slop had jumped and let loose some small greyish thing that disappeared out of his sight instantly. "...Huh?" It must have gone behind him, if he couldn't see it in front of him, but now the food wasn't moving any longer.

Feeling something small behind him, the bleached man took a gamble and turned himself around, using a thin, white foot to push his food bowl back between him and the camera. Whatever that thing was, he'd give it a little privacy to see what it would do.

As he ate, slightly slower than usual, gradually the straitjacket began to feel a little more flexible, the straps around his chest and then arms loosening. Aware of the camera, The Joker held it all in place whilst he dined, then kicking the metal dish back in the direction of the door – It tumbled and spilled the dregs left across the floor – before shuffling himself back into the opposite corner from the camera. It looked as if he might just be dozing, or being his usual whimsical self, but actually his body shielded whatever the little thing was that had freed him from sight.

Glancing down into the shadow he cast for it, the clown's bright eyes picked out a small, beige mouse wearing what appeared to be a little, burgundy fez. "Well, I like your fashion sense little guy, hehe, and your taste in assisting."

There was a little scroll of paper tied to the underside of the mouse.

Carefully, using the arm away from the camera, The Joker managed to grasp and open it still in his shadow to read. The mouse didn't fear him or resist; he wasn't going to question its bizarre utility though. Arkham, home of the criminally insane, was where The Joker tended to be most sane at times. It was a place, after all, that needed escaping from in order to really complete his life's work upon Gotham, for darling Batsy's eyes.

Batman never watched him in here...

"I owed Ms. Quinn a favour. Please escape and meet her at this address."

There was an address given for somewhere not far from Arkham.

The message was simply signed with a doodled top hat.

The Joker laughed to himself. "Old Hatty-boy huh? My, wonder what's Harley ever done for him..." He frowned severely, thinking of what the blonde harlot- harlequin might have done for the tea-sucking Brit so obsessed with blue-eyed blondes. As you might expect, it was a principle thing more than any real feelings if it was some favour of _that _nature.

But maybe she'd just found a nice, little girl for Titchy-Tetch to play with.

Well, whatever the case, he wasn't letting this opportunity to get back to Bats go to waste. The small missive had been wrapped around a switchblade knife.

~#~

A handful of hours later, The Joker was strolling on his way to the address mentioned in the mouse's note, twirling his new switchblade in his fingers whilst he whistled Three Blind Mice and the moonlight glinted sharply of his sheer white skin.


	2. The Cat Meets His Hat

Here's the second chapter then. I am not quite certain how to end this story, though of course it's labelled Batman/Joker for a reason. If anyone wants to throw some ideas for the final chapter at me in a review, that might be useful. I don't imagine it'll have sex though, sorry.

I hope to get the final chapter up later this week or next but I'm a uni student with three assessed pieces before the end of this month alone. But I do hate to see a story left unfinished so I'll try my best. Just be a bit patient and poke me with a review if it's taking too long.

* * *

Apparently the dumb girl could get Jervis to write an address down she couldn't find. "HARLEY!" The Joker had been shouting for a while, uncaring to anyone who might overhear. The neighbourhood this place was in, an old house of the kind that rented rooms out, was pretty derelict now like most of North Gotham near Arkham. "It's about time you sprung me out of there! Now where are you?!" As far as he knew, Harley Quinn had been out of Arkham for a while now, tagging on to the back of some other rogues' escape. It wasn't exactly hard to see why people took pity on the bubbly, attractive, very friendly blonde and it did have its uses at times like this. Harley could pull a lot of favours where even the infamous name of The Joker struggled to lever compliance by threat.

Sighing, the Clown Prince changed tactic and slipped into cooing, hoping that might encourage his silly hench girl out of hiding if this was some lame joke or trick she was playing. "Oh come on Baby-Doll! Your favourite Puddin'," He pulled a face at having to use that disgusting nickname of hers, "just wants to give his wonderful, smart, little girl a big ol' kiss of thanks!" The Joker's voice dropped to a mutter, "After I coat my lips in poison..."

There were no squeals of gushing delight and no harlequin girl running out for his affections.

"Now I knew she was stupid but I didn't think it was this bad..." Running an ungloved, bony hand through his hair that was near black in this light, The Joker strolled into the final two rooms of this house frustrated and confused. "Oh finally!" He threw up his arms in relief for a moment. "Wrong blonde but at least it's still _a _blonde! Hey Hat. You seen Harls anywhere?" Cornflower blue eyes that held an ethereal, almost-glow flicked up to meet him in the low light of the fire.

Jervis Tetch sat perched on an old cabinet proper against a wall, cards laid out beside him mid-game of solitaire while on the floor, atop a soiled and ragged carpet, stood a bucket within which a small flame flickered and feasted upon the half a dozen tea lights that had been dumped into its orange belly. In full costume, his hat slightly cocked and white spats tapping on the wooden side of his seat, his eyes stared at the pale apparition of a clown now entered into his room. "**...when she noticed a curious appearance in the air: it puzzled her very much at first, but, after watching it a minute or two, she made it out to be a grin, and she said to herself, "It's the Cheshire Cat: now I shall have somebody to talk to."**" His voice came slowly, from another realm as his gaze remained without blinking upon his visitor.

The Joker received the quote with indifference and slight puzzlement. He couldn't deny the Hatter's madness was very amusing and disconcerting but it just wasn't his thing and he'd not really read the books. "...Huh. Well, seen..." He couldn't recall what role Harley played in Jervis' bizarre and fantastical world, "seen a girl that looks a bit like Alice but dumber around?" He glanced off to the other doorway from this room, wandering across and continuing to talk whilst no answer came. "Nice to see Wonderland's still surviving, by the way. How's it doing now? Over the 08 recession yet? Hey, I was thinking of getting a little get-away place, you know, for those times I just want out of this bat-race for a bit- Haha! Bat-race! Get it?" The other man made no comment if he did. "Well anyway, what's the housing market like there? Can I pay my mortgage off in tea?" Still chuckling to himself, The Joker was satisfied there was no one else in that final room. Jervis was the only one here. "Hey! Where's-?"

""**Who cares for you?"**" Jervis snapped, seeming far more lucid in tone suddenly.

Darkness drew over the clown's face as he turned back, his face an ugly leer. "...What did you say, you snivelling little-?"

""**You're nothing but a pack of cards!"" **With his solitaire pack gathered into his hands, the Mad Hatter could easily throw them all into The Joker's face, creating a momentary whirlwind of distracting paper and suits.

That arrogant, stuck-up little shit! Whom did he think he was talking to?! He was The Joker, prince of this damn city and all the little wretches like Jervis Tetch in it!

But for all those things he wanted to shout, The Joker could only stand still in neutral, his mouth dead to him and limbs hanging limp.

Mixed in with all the simple playing cards, not that the one currently experiencing it could see, had been one of the Mad Hatter's 10/6 cards that had caught onto the clown's pasty temple with the small static charge it used to stick to its prey. He wasn't stupid though, and considering who he faced, the clown had worked out what was most likely going on if he couldn't move even his eyes. At least his body was still breathing and standing though.

Jervis had walked away and now the lights of the room flicked on, The Joker lurching about inside as his body turned smoothly to face its puppeteer.

The buck-toothed grin of the petite Englishman was broad, smug. He strolled about nonchalantly, white gloved hands clasped behind his back as he approached his paralysed victim. Rocking back and forth in his white and black shoes, the Mad Hatter looked up into the deadly face of the Clown Prince of Crime without fear, confident in his technology. "...Well, well. You're almost tolerable company like this my dear Joker."

He was lucid.

If Jervis was calling him by his name, rather than that stupid grinning cat, the pipsqueak was in one of his lucid moments and in utter control of himself, fully aware of his surroundings. No doubt he was perfect at faking his madness however, to cause underestimation as The Joker - though he didn't like to admit it - had just fallen for.

Something was strangely and deliciously ironic about this situation. Kind of reminded him of the time, to prove he really was the funniest in all of Gotham, that he, Lord of Laughs and Master of Mirth The Joker, had gotten the Mad Hatter with his own mind-controlling technology.

"Do you remember...?" Jervis began languidly, strutting back and forth before the captivated clown whilst lecturing and gesturing in vague cyclical movements with a hand. "Actually," The short man turned and frowned up at his puppet, his tone growing frustrated and terse, "do you remember anything in that crazy, bat-obsessed brain of yours?" He sighed, walking on again in small loops back and forth. "**"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at!"**"

Inside his mind, The Joker sighed a tired sigh at all this.

His white, gloved hand to his chin, the Mad Hatter had paused in deep thought now facing sideways away from his audience. His gaze was entranced, distant.

The Joker would have rolled his eyes if he didn't feel like one big lump of set glue.

"YOU NEARLY KILLED ME WITH MY OWN DAMN TECHNOLOGY!" Now the Mad Hatter's hands were in the lapels of his purple jacket – too short to be around the clown's chalk white neck – and he was lividly shouting up into his face, cheeks flushed and grip trembling with frumious rage. "You didn't tell me to eat or drink or anything after putting that microchip on my neck! I nearly died!"

Apparently there was a deliberate reason this situation felt so ironic after all.

"Oh! And that's not even to mention the fact you stole my technology in the first place!" Jervis looked ready to hit him but no matter his angered state of mind, wasn't quite insane enough currently to risk repercussions of that one day. "Bandersnatch! Jubjub! **"Off with his head!"" **He would stand a better chance hurling insults if the one they were directed at actually knew what they meant.

The Joker would admit to a very slight apprehension right now, knowing the blonde runt could make him do practically anything whilst carded and knowing the other rogue could be as madly sadistic and outrageous as he was in certain moments. But mainly that worry was eclipsed by a sort of exhilarated delight; what would the Mad Hatter make him do? This was kind of fun!

"Your utter incompetence usage of it, not to mention your terrible purpose for it," With each point, the dwarfed rogue gave him a hard shake, "how deceptively you obtained it, not to mention – again – the fact you turned it upon its own creator! You never thought I might take revenge? You never thought?!" The clown was expecting Jervis to start jumping up and down like an enraged leprechaun any second now. "If you had even half a brain in that bleached head of yours, you never would have done this!"

The Clown Prince wanted to point out that if he didn't even have half a brain, what was the Mad Hatter controlling right now? Damn! That was a pretty smart joke and he couldn't deliver it because of this stupid mind control card!

"Ignorant, arrogant buffoon!" Jervis went off on a new rant, now walking away and throwing his arms wide. "You thought that it would disguise the perpetrator simply by stealing my technology? **"Stuff and nonsense!" said Alice loudly. "The idea of having the sentence first!" **Did you think I would accept this? Did you think, simply because I never made mention of it once you were returned to Arkham, I had forgotten about the incident? **"Imperial fiddlestick!" "Well, I never heard it before," said the Mock Turtle; "but it sounds uncommon nonsense."**"

Was he done yet?

The Mad Hatter sighed, sizing up his prey from slightly across the room near the still smouldering bucket. "...Well come on, what have you to say for yourself Cheshire Puss? **"What do you know about this business?" the King said to Alice."**

Suddenly, The Joker found he had control over his face and voice again. But only those, mind.

"If I don't even have half a brain, what are you controlling?" He began to laugh.

Jervis tutted and rolled his eyes, muttering something about expressions beneath his breath.

But soon The Joker went on, wanting to see where this little game of revenge was going. "Alright Hat-boy, keep your bloomers straight." Jervis both blushed and became extremely livid at once, overbite pulling into an angry grimace below wide eyes. He looked ready to object but his prey got in with a perceptive tease first. "Oh come on..." The one dubbed as the Cheshire Cat purred, "are you really going to try and deny you just love to dress up as Alice sometimes? Hehe, you adore all that queer stuff, don't you?"

With a wordless stammer, the Mad Hatter shut his mouth for a moment into a deeply frustrated scowl before even deigning to reply to that. "**"Don't be impertinent," said the King, "and don't look at me like that!"**" The Joker was smirking knowingly. Or at least, he was until the mind control asserted itself once again and his face set into neutral, unable to interrupt. "You forget just how I can do anything I please to you now Cheshire Puss. **"You are not attending!"**" Jervis began to lecture, walking forth and wagging a finger. "How do you suppose this evening is going to end?"

Once again, The Joker found his lips loosen to talk. "Uhh... A tea party?" Well why not? He'd never been invited to one yet, so he didn't see why he should invite the tea-sucker to any of his shindigs.

Jervis' mouth drew into a cruel and toothy grin.

"I-I gotta' say Hat," The clown went on, grasping at a new conversation thread. He wasn't exactly _scared_ per se, though frankly this little, blonde creep was more terrifying than burlap-boy Crane ever managed to be in his books; I mean, the Mad Hatter had put Batman in a guillotine! Even he, The freaking Joker, hadn't managed that one. Not yet at least, "this card... thing... It's pretty impressive, how you can let me talk but not move." That had some good possibilities actually for _very _captive audiences.

"Ah, yes indeed." Jervis smiled more sweetly but without losing the cruel edge. He gestured one hand lackadaisically, the other in his peacoat's pocket. "Some of us do like to put a lot of work into our research after all, and doN'T LIKE HAVING IT STOLEN!"

The Joker's smirk cringed.

Oh Lord. Maybe it had been a bad idea to have that little bit of fun back then. But he had needed to win that award, funniest in Gotham! It just so happened he also got the opportunity to do something else he'd always wanted, trying out the Mad Hatter's mind control. It looked like such jolly good fun, being able to tell someone to go into their boring office job butt naked or make them walk out of a 10th floor window.

Back at Arkham, in the blood of two corpses that had once been asylum orderlies that had happened to get between the escaping clown and his escape, was daubed a crimson message on the walls.

"Sorry Bats! Got a tea party to attend!"

There was a crudely shaped bat and grinny face painted there too, the fingerprint of the lunatic visible for each eye.

Now that he had been angered so much, the Mad Hatter gave up letting The Joker try and explain himself. Obviously they would get nowhere except closer to a death, or possibly two. "No, you foolish cat," The Englishman went on, "keep on like that and you'll be removed, and then your head will be off in half no time; you'll see!" His warning went unheeded considering it was utterly Carrollian and furthermore, The Joker wasn't currently able to physically heed anything under the influence of the 10/6 card. "You disappear; that's how your chapter ends." Jervis explained in a low, almost declarative tone. He seemed confident that he would get his revengeful way this night.

Of course that was the kind of thing that caused windows to crash in as Batmans came through them.

"Freeze Joker!" Batman yelled gruffly, reaching to his belt after he had hit the dirty floor and rolled.

To that, The Joker could only think he would if he could Bats.

The two rogues had jumped back slightly from him and now Batman thought it might be about time to rethink that presumptuous imperative. "Uh, I mean Tetch." The Dark Knight was left at a slight loss for what to do now as it appeared The Joker was actually the hostage in need of rescue right now.

"Oh yes! That's right!" Jervis began peevishly. "It couldn't possibly be the Mad Hatter you have to stop! Why, he's no harm at all! Wouldn't possibly dare hurt a soul!" The Joker only heard a click and felt something small, hard and cold pressed to his temple. He couldn't even turn his head and see that it was the thin, silver barrel of a pistol in the Mad Hatter's white glove. "You underestimate me Batman." He spat out the vigilante's name contemptfully. "Perhaps I should be thankful for that; how easy it makes life for me sometimes." His tone, then airy, now hardened again. "But it's not only you. It's everyone!" Jervis' voice rose. "On TV, all your silly paraphernalia, the stories people tell about us; I'm always the underestimated, neglected, ridiculed rogue of the lot, the runt!" His cheeks were flushed a frumious rose now and he felt tempted just to shoot the gun off now if it wasn't for how much he wanted The Joker, obviously the head of the rogues gallery with none of these problems, to hear him. "I've none of their fans, all the foolish citizens who like to dress up like us as if it's all some sort of game to them!"

Batman had stood by now, uncertain as to what he should do. Of course he could use a batarang, knock the gun away, but he was still scanning the room for potential traps and other weapons. If the Mad Hatter kept up his tirade, he would have enough time to think out a good plan.

Jervis tutted, going on if no one was going to stop him. He noticed no one was disputing anything he said either. "You know," He began almost conversationally if not for the extreme emotion, mainly ire, that drew his voice taut, "it's almost as if all the killing, fear gas, death trap riddles are somehow fine. Those are all normal, dare one say, admirable crimes." He gave a glare to the mass murderer to his right. It wasn't as if Jervis' death count wasn't in the dozens, probably rivalling someone like Jonathan's. "But no!" He grimaced and returned his fierce gaze to the vigilante. "The instant there's even some potentially sexual aspect to it all, the slightest suggestion of paedophilia – And I'm not, by the way –" He had made that clear many a time to everyone in Arkham, all the nosy and ignorantly conceited doctors, "and suddenly it's too much! "**Too far, too far!"**" Jervis sighed, his anger expelled. "Why is it always me forgotten...? **"I do wish they WOULD put their heads down! I am so VERY tired of being all alone down here!" **So very tired..." He shook his head sadly.

Batman could see his point; the Mad Hatter's crimes were never treated with the same gravity as his fellow rogues and as a rogue, he was often forgotten and ignored. Within the rogues themselves he was considered one of the major league for they all respected his incredible inventions and versatility, not to mention his attempts to do away with the Bat.

But that pity wasn't something he could dwell on right now.

With the top hatted head bowed, it was the perfect time to strike with a batarang and he drew back one after a final quick glance of the room.

"I wouldn't if I were you Jabberwock..." Suddenly a rather playful voice warned before Jervis burst into maniacal laughter, his blue eyes glinting with firelight. **"He took his vorpal sword in hand."** The Joker had taken a knife from Tetch's pocket, holding it to his own pure white neck.

Knowing he had just missed his chance, Batman grunted and slightly lowered his batarang. Even provided he could knock the knife from The Joker's hand, which was a pretty low possibility without cutting through his neck anyway, Jervis would shoot instantly.

He couldn't let even The Joker die.

"Why Tetch?" The Dark Knight appealed, hoping for a little more time to plan again. This room seemed pretty unprepared for further surprises but with that 10/6 nestled in the green curls of his arch-nemesis' hair, the options were very limited regardless.

Jervis pondered that for a moment before beginning to reply. "Do you remember when he stole my technology for that comedy competition...?"

_This _was about_ that?! _"That was 3 years ago!"

The very mention of that shadowed the Mad Hatter's face with a dark scowl.

Then suddenly he was beaming brightly again, though not without a hint of sadistic madness. "Well... revenge is like comedy; it's all about timing!" He gave a small, very unbalanced laugh.

The Joker was cursing at him inside of his controlled head.

"But!" Jervis went on cheerfully. "You know me Jabberwock; I'm a very sensible and rational man." Batman frowned. The Mad Hatter grinned. "Perhaps you can persuade me as to why I should spare The Joker's life."


	3. Slain

As much as I adore The Joker and this pairing, I don't much care for Batman as a character. I find him a little boring compared to the zany and extraordinary rogues. Therefore, I hope his parts are written okay.

There's a lot of thoughts and feelings in this chapter, very little action until the end. But that's what I felt was necessary when writing this. I see a lot of Batman/Joker where they just dive into it too quickly for no reason past always having had feelings for the other and suddenly choosing this night to show it. There are some incredible, slow-build ones I do know of, and I doubt this matches them, but I hope Jervis has provided a dire enough situation here to make Batman rethink his approach. Therefore there's no sex, just a few mentions of it. Besides, the request that inspired this story only asked for Jervis to set them up like in my other story.

Some references to The Killing Joke here. That's the version of The Joker I'm going with.

Enjoy! Though I'm not all that confident in it...

* * *

Batman looked slowly between the two rogues, not taking too long though in case there was some internal time limit ticking in the Mad Hatter's twisted brain, and his frown set harder still. There was no fear in The Joker's acidic green eyes for Tetch wasn't letting there be. In a way, the Dark Knight was almost happy for the mind control – aside from the fact it was the whole reason for this terrible state of affairs – as otherwise he suspected he'd have to deal with the clown's great enthusiasm and enjoyment for this situation, making his Bats persuade someone why his favourite enemy ought to live.

Well, the answer was simple why.

"Everyone has a right to live." Batman barked out his deepest dogma, unable to keep from adding a little to convince himself when he looked at the victim he was trying to save. "Even The Joker."

Jervis tutted at the most hackneyed reason one could give. "Suppose I even do agree with that statement, which I don't mind," He tapped the pistol's barrel against chalk white skin for attention, "that's even more of a reason to kill our friend here. If we let him go free and alive, you know that this cat here will only go and extinguish the rights to live of many others." Now he gave a dry, mocking laugh. "And you obviously can't stop him _Batman_. After all, this dance has been danced for nearly 10 years now, hasn't it?" Jervis remembered watching the news when he first came here to America and already the bat and clown were at their silly, little game. **"They began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over."** Though they both looked quite dry now.

Regardless of what he believed then, and the Mad Hatter did make some reasonable points Batman had to irately concede, that reason wouldn't wash. "I'll take him back to Arkham; he could be rehabilitated."

Jervis could convey his disbelief of that with a laconic raise of an eyebrow.

Hoping he wouldn't escape from Arkham was equally out of the question then...

Batman was beginning to feel this was pointless. It was like looking for the one line in the entirety of those two books which the Mad Hatter wanted to hear right now. "What kind of reason do you want Tetch?"

With an exasperated sigh, Jervis began mockingly, "Giving up already Jabberwock? My, my..." After he was done gloating, a little help did come. "Well obviously one I've not yet thought of since all I've thought of have led me to think death is best for our irksome clown here. **"I'm a great hand at inventing things."** So now, any reason you do give me shall have to rival Plato himself, or..." His cornflower blue eyes looked off towards the gun he was holding up and the clown's head beyond it.

"Or?" So here we were getting to the real reason finally.

The Mad Hatter seemed distracted by his pistol and the fate of the one he had it pointed at. ""**...It's very rude**..."" His voice came from a distance, wherever he was staring off into.

It wasn't a hard matter to guess where but there were plenty of rude things in Wonderland and through the looking-glass. But if he had to guess, based on the times Bruce had thought it best to learn the text that informed so many of this enemy's plans, "**"You should learn not to make personal remarks."**" If it was going to be anywhere, might as well start with his character's chapter.

The Mad Hatter's glassy eyes turned to him, beginning to become slightly intrigued. "**"Do you mean that you think you can find the answer to it?" said the March Hare."**

Batman really hoped he didn't need the inquits too in order to pass this test. Now... how did Alice ask for the answer to that riddle? "**"No, I give it up. What's the answer?""**

""**I haven't the slightest idea," said the Hatter."**

Of course. They didn't ever answer that riddle. What did they answer for her? **""I don't know what you mean.**""

Now they were at an impasse. Neither of them appeared to know what was going on. The Joker couldn't help but be very annoyed that Batman foiled all his schemes so easily and couldn't even beat the blonde runt at this antiquated rap-battle thing they had going on.

""**Of course you don't!" the Hatter said, tossing his head contemptuously."** Jervis in real life smiled deviously but did give his mess of golden hair a little flick. "**"Nobody asked YOUR opinion," said Alice." **

He had skipped right there. That wasn't how it followed from the first part he had said. And the line that followed that was... **""Who's making personal remarks now?!"** Batman couldn't help but feel a little excited, finally seizing on the answer to all this.

"**the Hatter asked triumphantly...**" Jervis finished it for the sake of completion, with a small smirk. "You are, Jabberwock."

"You want a personal reason from me?" The very idea of that made the Dark Knight frown.

"Yes, yes..." The Englishman tapped his pistol's barrel upon the clown's skin impatiently. "Took you long enough though; you could finished all that after three lines."

Batman played it all back in his head, seeing how at his very first mention of **personal remarks **Jervis had prompted him to realise that was the answer, yet he had gone on maintaining he didn't know it. But why then had the Mad Hatter deliberately led him again to the phrase? It was almost as if he wanted to be convinced out of this...

Looking at them side-by-side, he couldn't help but compare the whimsicality of the two madmen.

"I just..." Batman began calmly, able to be almost quiet in this abandoned place. "...I don't want anyone to die if there's any way they can be saved."

"Oh Lord!" Jervis did not sound impressed. "Those silly principles again! **"Better say nothing at all. Language is worth a thousand pounds a word!"**" Tiring of this, he raised his pistol properly to The Joker's temple, having to lift his arm quite a bit for it, and cocked it ready. "**"Fury said to a mouse, That he had met in the house..."**" The Mad Hatter carried on the quote.

That was the Mouse's Tale. If Batman remembered correctly, it ended with "**death**" which he had no doubt would be carried out in real life when it came. It was a countdown.

"_Batman...!"_The Joker was beginning to get a little nervous now. Why wasn't his knight in shadowy black armour and underpants saving him already? Batman always had a plan! He always stopped every scheme! It wasn't meant to end like this; yes, granted he was meant to die because of Batman, at Batman's doing, but it was meant to be actually at Batman's hands, a deliberate act his dear Batsy perpetrated to free him from their dance together.

It wasn't meant to be because Batman couldn't save him.

""**...With no judge or jury, would be wasting our breath." "I'll be judge, I'll be jury," Said cunning ol-"**

"If The Joker died..."

Jervis paused at Batman's interruption, though with every sense and guarantee he would resume his death knoll quote if too long passed.

"If The Joker died..." Batman imagined it in his head.

Still, every night he would go out into Gotham. He would fight, continue protecting this city. He would deal with the mafia gangs where they got out of hand; he would stop every petty thief and vandal he came across; and all the other rogues. Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, The Riddler, Twoface...

Batman would protect the city against them all.

Yet... why did it feel there would be such a massive hole? Something would be missing.

There was always crime to stop; it wasn't that he liked The Joker's mindless slaughter and destruction in the slightest.

But the man wasn't his crimes.

Somehow, in a way... he needed The Joker to feel balanced.

Nothing would feel whole, right, without that mad, immoral clown.

Part of Bruce told himself that this was simply the human aversion to change of the status quo, even when the change was an improvement.

But in the amoral part of Batman's mind, the part that questioned every night quite why he was doing the things he did, stopping people who felt more like him than any person he stopped them to save...

Somewhere in that dark greyness, there was a voice from his childhood telling him he should never hate a person, only their actions.

A person was never bad, only their actions.

Wasn't that why he always tried to save even the villains he fought to the bitter end for the sake of this city and its people?

He didn't hate The Joker, think him a terrible and irredeemable person. Divorce him from his crimes, even if they were so intrinsic to his character, and actually...

"...I want The Joker alive."

Jervis studied the vigilante warily, not seeming satisfied. "**"old Fury: "I'll try-"**"

"I want The Joker in my life!" Batman clarified quickly, letting his emotions slip too easily with desperation. For all that he was mocked, the Mad Hatter was a master of manipulation with or without his cards.

Now that seemed to satisfy.

"...He's not smiling." That was what Batman now realised was bothering him most about this situation. The Joker's ruby lips were in a limp, straight frown and it just looked plain wrong to him. How accustomed he was to being greeted with a grin at their every meeting...

But the puppeteer looked up to the Clown Prince's face with displeasure. "That grin only ever brings bad things... **"I don't like the look of it at all," said the King."**

But when Batsy arrived, that smile seemed to bring mostly an end to the slaughter and destruction, at least the mindless kind for attention. Of course he was aware that The Joker tended to pull many of his crimes solely for his arch-nemesis' attention but there didn't seem to be a way of stopping that by punishment or neglect, unlike most misbehaving children, but until now Batman had never wondered if there might be some deeper, almost human reason for that. He had always simply accepted that as it was, and as the only way things could be.

But seeing a Joker without a grin reminded you that he was a human being, even if his mind seemed twisted beyond everything it meant to be one.

Ironic really that he was suddenly considering The Joker's feelings and motivations whilst the clown was in one of the few states where he couldn't tell them.

But this was enough thinking. He needed to start talking if he was going to save his greatest enemy.

"Things just wouldn't feel... right, without him around." The Dark Knight began in a tone that he hoped was more confident than he felt. "Not for me, as Batman, at least. He was there that night; I made him into... this." He gestured a black gauntlet up and down the bleached clown.

Looking between the two foes, Jervis scowled and irately remarked, "It's _your_ fault The Joker exists? Oh wonderful! Not only do you create yourself but you create one of the greatest other nuisances in my life as well. Well done Batman!" He finished sarcastically and would have clapped slowly, had he had two free hands.

Beneath the cowl, Batman's brow furrowed. Somehow that got to him more than most villains' jibes did. Perhaps it was more the implication that The Joker's existence was an inherently bad thing that annoyed him. "It was a mistake; my mistake. I guess he's almost my responsibility now." That wasn't a pleasant thought but he still remembered that first night, the acid, the lurching feeling of dread as he saw that man jump and fall. Enlightenment to the fact that was The Joker's birth and not the first death Batman had failed to prevent was something that had come a few years back during a reunion at the Ace Chemical plant.

"Well, allow me to lighten the burden then." Jervis grinned cruelly. "**"the whole cause-"**"

"He's still a human being!" Batman shouted to stop that incessant countdown. "No matter what's happened to him. He still thinks and feels." His brilliant schemes and terrible temper showed that much, even if neither was commendable. "The Joker's actions have reasons behind them." Whatever they might be.

Jervis chuckled wryly. "Do you honestly believe that?" He looked at the pasty face beyond the barrel of his pistol contemptfully.

Still The Joker stood, not even appealing for help whilst his fate was decided all around him. He did wish they'd hurry it up a bit though.

"Yes, I do. As you surely know," He appealed to the Carrollian fanatic, "even the strangest madness has rules to it."

The Mad Hatter seemed almost mildly impressed. "**"And they don't seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are, nobody attends to them.**"" He still wasn't convinced about his hostage clown.

"And if he has reasons, they can be changed." Jervis scoffed at that assertion. "You were right Jervis;" Batman went on, unnerving the small rogue slightly to be so complimentary, "it's obvious I can't stop him by fighting. Maybe I need to listen to him, believe what he says and try to change his mind reasonably." God, if Alfred, Dick or even himself heard what he was saying right now, it was straight to Arkham with all the rest of the mad freaks of this city.

""**Well, I never heard it before," said the Mock Turtle; "but it sounds uncommon nonsense."**"

The Mad Hatter had turned up his nose like a dignified child losing at his favourite game. It was almost rather cute. "Let him go Tetch." Batman hoped he had won this strange little debate the petite rogue seemed so intent on by now. Surely there wasn't much left to argue.

Jervis ran a tongue along his overbite thoughtfully, looking between the two others present. He couldn't seem to quite decide. "...Batman..." Oh that tone was deeply testing. It was the tone of a child who knows an incriminating secret to blackmail their parent with, "you _care _for The Joker, don't you?"

The Dark Knight scowled. His cowl's white eyes became narrow. "Look, I don't know what this game of yours tonight is-"

"Ah, changing the subject!" Jervis remarked with a teasing laugh. By now he wasn't doing a great job of always keeping the gun pointing directly at The Joker's head but the knife remained like a glinting shard of death at the pale throat. "Why, the March Hare tried that on Alice! And the Gryph-"

"ENOUGH!" This was just embarrassing, what he was being forced to admit at the whims of this perverse madman. "Just let him go already Tetch. Whatever this whole thing was about, I've played along enough now haven't I?" Batman's patience not to just walk over and punch them both, consequences damned, was wearing very thin.

The Mad Hatter's curious blue eyes studied him for a moment in which a decision was made.

The silver pistol was tilted up, lifting its knoll from The Joker's temple.

But the knife wasn't dropped and the card removed just yet. "Do you love him, Jabberwock?" That damn, smug, toothy grin...

Oh the Mad Hatter was getting punched before the end of tonight.

"Don't push it Tetch..." Batman growled, finally walking across the dismal carpet to the rogues. His cape swished gently and kept his eyes mainly on the still armed felon also watching him with peculiar arrogance.

"Humour me." Jervis folded his arms, settling into a smirk.

Well all right, but he was getting another punch for this. Perhaps, if he had been trying to get Batman to take on the role of personally rehabilitated the problematic Joker all along, the Mad Hatter knew what was needed for the clown to go along with it. It wouldn't be surprising if some sick and twisted definition of love was involved. "Not now, but the future could hold anything." That wasn't even a lie. "I don't know what it might take to cure him." If it was just attention from his Batsy after all.

Jervis stared away thoughtfully. ""...**Would you like to see a little of it?"**" Batman warily glanced at him, having carefully taken the knife from The Joker's hand without resistance. "...We could find out."

Though he had been about to take the card from out of those bright green curls, now the vigilante paused. After all, that might make things a lot easier to know. He couldn't deny Jervis' technology had its uses, even if this was very wrong. "...How?"

Reaching into his pockets, "No... no there..." inside and out of his peacoat, "...not there either..." eventually, "Oh bother," the Mad Hatter ended up spilling some white cards from an inside pocket onto the floor. Batman waited for him to pick them up quickly, sifting through to find one in particular and hold it up for proud show. It wasn't 10/6; it was 7/4. "Truth card my dear Bat. It works like sodium thiopental on the brain, and better; a truth serum!"

Although intrigued, Batman couldn't help but be slightly concerned about what all those other cards he carried might do.

This was hardly going to be the most ethical way of dealing with things but by now, doing things the right way through the police, legal system, Arkham... none of that had worked. "...All right."

Jervis had The Joker crouch down and warily hovered a hand over the card there whilst edging the other closer to replace it. Reminiscent of that Indiana Jones scene, he had the two switched in an instant. "You want to stand still and listen so that we can help you."

"I suppose I do..." The clown chuckled weakly, doing as suggested. His gaze seemed unfocussed and his grin was lazy.

The Mad Hatter tucked his 10/6 card away, explaining, "I no longer have full control over him but he's now very suggestive. Ask him whatever you want; he's surely tell the truth." Batman waved a black gauntlet back and forth before those glassy, emerald eyes. Although the gaze was still far too distant, The Joker's head did follow like a pet follows potential food. "...We could even tamper with his memories, if that would help."

Although it had been an offhand proposition, now it gained the Dark Knight's full attention and he glared down at Jervis.

"A-Ah..." The small blonde tried to back away. "**"Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!"" **He looked to go.

"You can alter people's memories Tetch?" Batman growled and the slowly escaping rogue startled, stopping where he stood.

"W-Well..." Removing his hat, he turned it round a few times in his gloved hands. Currently Jervis' face was sheepish, very nervous. Then it gained some composure and indignation. "**"That's none of YOUR business, Two!"**" He gracefully replaced his hat, folding his arms defensively.

The disquieting fact was just how useful such a thing might be, all the good it could do in the right hands for those with memories who needed to forget, to let go, to have lived a better life... "...No matter what you make them believe, events happen." People die...

The Mad Hatter pouted, not willing to disagree lest he disclose further secrets of his.

When the intimidating Jabberwocky turned back to the other rogue however, Jervis did pull a face and stick out his tongue. His height and maturity complemented one another.

Batman weighed up the best way to phrase this question. "Joker, is there any way to help you? Any form of treatment you would work with?" Hopefully he was using this right. The Mad Hatter was saying nothing but then again, he had just been growled at and rebuked.

The Joker chuckled airily, speaking as if still asleep. "Give up Bats... I'm a hopeless case..." His head inclined slightly, eyes still glazed. "...Kill me?"

Dissatisfied with that, Batman turned to the other rogue. "Are you certain this makes them tell the truth?"

Though obstinately pouting, the Mad Hatter nodded.

"If I personally helped you," Batman went on to his greatest enemy, "would you try and reform then?" This was going on the assumption that he was the clown's greatest interest and pursuit. If he believed there was more to The Joker than a caricature of evil, psychopathy and sadism that thought of nothing but sick jokes and chaos, then maybe The Joker might act that way. There had to be something more, something human. Though it was an horrendous example, when he had gone after Jim Gordon and his family; there was emotion and reason behind all of that. There were human moments, sometimes, when it really felt The Joker was vulnerable to changing...

Actually, this night felt so much like that one.

Not just a chore. A different tone. A chance.

The Clown Prince's gaze vaguely met with his. "...I don't think I can, Batsy. Sorry." He chuckled gently.

"Why not?!" The Dark Knight, frustrated, felt like just punching the answer out of him but it did seem the Mad Hatter's technology was drawing out responses he never would have achieved otherwise.

"I would never fit back in. I would never be accepted. I mean," The Joker gestured loosely, with arms that limply and just barely worked, "look at me Batman, what I've become."

Stark white skin, lips like they had no skin – only blood, the bright green hair, a grin that wouldn't die. And the reputation, the name. Apologies no one would accept, promises no one would believe.

Maybe The Joker was right, and he simply saw the situation for as hopeless as it truly was.

"...Do you want to change Joker?"

The clown gave a half-hearted shrug, his weak grin practically a smile. "I don't think there's a better life – or any other life – I can live Bats. I'm just waiting for the day you realise that and get rid of me already." As you would expect, he laughed.

Batman folded his arms, his face a tight-lipped smile. "You didn't answer my question. I asked if you wanted to change, not if you could."

Though kept mellow and suggestive by the card, The Joker seemed to grow irritated, or perhaps just wearied. "What's the point in wanting what you can't have, hey?"

"You don't know what you could have! You're deliberately restricting yourself!" This was defeatist and hopeless.

"I suppose I am..." Agreement came solemnly and Batman put it down to the card poking out from in those forest green curls.

With a growl, "This isn't working Tetch!" he turned on the other rogue who was casually leaning against the wall, off in daydreams.

Jervis startled back, frowning both at the accusation and interruption. "**"Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing."** You aren't speaking to him correctly, that's why." It also helped to be wearing the mind control band to imprint questions and suggestions more directly into the brain.

Well it was enough anyway.

Batman picked off the white, rectangular parasite from The Joker's head and flicked it away like trash. Unnoticed, the Mad Hatter chased the flitting card like a butterfly catcher without a net. The Dark Knight quickly grabbed the bewildered and dazed clown, ensuring he couldn't run nor move much with a steel-grip around his arms. "What do you want Joker?" He really tried his best not to shout it.

"I want my humanity back!" The reply made no similar attempts to limit volume. "But that's never going to happen, is it Bats?" The bleached villain hissed, his green eyes toxic and grin snarling. "I'm nothing more than a monster; give up. All that crap you told Jervis about wanting me in your life when you keep throwing me back into Arkham. Listen to me... Change my reasons..." He simply scowled before breaking into bitter, condescending laughter.

This was it.

Batman couldn't stand the useless tug-of-war any longer. It seemed that no matter what he gave, he would never win.

But he might as well throw it all down now, make sure he could justify to himself later that he really had tried everything when this opportunity passed and it was back to the old routine of simply minimising the damage The Joker could do again. "A home; a job; a partner to share it all with, a best friend, lover, whatever! Wouldn't all that make you human?!" Enraged, he shoved the clown away from him, throwing him down onto the floor before the large, black cape swished around as the bat it followed sought to leave.

Stunned, The Joker managed to scrabble from his arse back onto his front to call out after the leaving man, one pale hand grasping through the air. "W-Wait! Bats! A-Are you seriously offering...?" Batman paused, turning back just slightly. "...Why?"

"Because I want to help you." The gruffly muttered reply came. "Can't you ever see that...?"

The Joker just stared up, dazed. He also looked to Jervis who had been watching all this like some TV show, interested but impartial and not about to intervene. The clown sitting with his legs bent either side of him looked very astounded, almost as naive as a child suddenly. "...You care about me..." Batman sighed. "As a human... You're treating me like a human being..." It was almost like a proper connection with someone in the world again, like humans have. Someone that wanted you alive, happy and with them. It wasn't just Harley's affection for the crazed Joker or... um... He didn't really have anyone else. It was lonely, being the Clown Prince of Crime. "...Can I come with you Batsy? For real?"

It was almost irritating how quickly the tone of this argument had changed, even if it was a won battle technically. "If you'll try to reform for me." There was no way The Joker was getting any of that, not even much freedom, until he had shown he would be good, or at least morally neutral. It was too hard to move past their past, even if one day he might forgive.

"For you Bats," The Joker flashed a superb grin, "I'll try and change."

The slight substitution of words didn't go unnoticed and earned a glare.

The Clown Prince shrugged innocently before getting to his feet. "Hey, will you really be my lover if that's what it takes?" Batman really hoped it didn't come to that; often things of this nature were bandied about just to irritate him and throw him off his game. But he couldn't deny how easily the campness and flirting came to the clown in purple, nor the strange obsession which could be nearly love, looked at in the right light. "'Cause God, that'd be nice. I mean, Harley's a swell girl and all but half the time, I wouldn't get it up for her even if I could." The Joker gave a short laugh like a sting, knowing how obnoxious he was being.

Batman groaned and placed a hand to his face, trying to block the stupidity out. It wasn't just The Joker's depraved humour; it was also the Mad Hatter giggling like a schoolgirl at something the slightest bit sexual.

The Joker turned on that other rogue now, adding a hint of malice to his joking. "Just because you have to go out and kidnap a little blonde girl every time you wanna' get laid." He didn't even both finishing; Jervis' incensed expression was already too pricelessly hilarious. "And hey," Now the clown turned grave, "just because you set me up with Batsy, don't think you're off the hook for a moment Hat. You tried to kill me..." He began to advance on the shorter rogue.

The Mad Hatter rocked his weight back onto a heel, thinking of backing away. "**"Y-You MUST have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man."**"

"What?"

"You stole my technology!" Jervis cried again, beginning to get rather scared by the lack of distance between him and the murderous clown currently. "This was a perfectly legitimate revenge and you even got something out of it!"

"Thanks." The Joker responded with vitriolic sarcasm before his face lifted into laughter. "And now you're going to get something too!"

Jervis was not stupid enough to ask what or stick around to find out.

Batman thought this was probably a good time to intervene before The Joker started his reformation with a small murder.

"Oof!" The Clown Prince chuckled weakly without all the air knocked out of him. "H-Hey Bats... some things never change, do they?" He gasped out more laughter. Thankfully, the Bat had only winded him, not intended any damage slamming his arm into The Joker's stomach.

"Tetch!"

Outside of the door, a Mad Hatter cringed at the loud and stern command. He then peeked back into the room round the jamb sheepishly. "Yes dear Jabberwocky?"

Batman beckoned him with a gauntleted finger. "You're going back to Arkham. Don't try and escape."

"Bu-But!" Appalled, the Mad Hatter gestured to the clown in the Dark Knight's grasp. Then he huffed, folding his arms. "**"Well, I shan't go, at any rate," said Alice: "besides, that's not a regular rule: you invented it just now."**"

Batman looked between the two rogues, the wheezily laughing clown he held and the indignant, little blonde. "Yes, and thank you." Jervis softened slightly; he rarely got any gratitude for anything these days. "But you have to think about your rehabilitation as well." Maybe, if he could be this altruistic, there was hope yet.

But the Mad Hatter shook his head with a sigh. "And I thought you'd understood... **"I've something important to say!"** You'll never get us to be better Batman, not unless there's something waiting on that other side." With a gloved hand, he gestured between the two who had been his purpose to unite tonight. "I've no Alice waiting; I won't leave this dream of Wonderland until I do. It may not be a great life, but at least we are all free to pursue what we want."

It seemed he couldn't help them both then, but at least Tetch seemed prepared to come quietly.

Things never would be perfect with The Joker; Batman had been forced to give up on that ideal reincarnation tonight. But that wasn't to say things couldn't be improved. Perhaps he had been trying too hard all of these years, been too inflexible in insisting the rogues conform to his way and normal life without offering them a thing in return. But he had faith, even if only for tonight because he hadn't tried yet, that if he listened to The Joker, tried to see things from his point of view, some progress could be made. Underneath the bloodshed and humour, there was an undeniable genius, and maybe that man simply didn't have a better use for his abilities than crime right now. Maybe Bruce and Batman could find him one.

He always had felt a connection with his arch-nemesis, something akin to personal understanding. They had shared so much after all, even if on average they only met and danced once every month or two. It certainly wasn't love – that _would _be insane – not yet at least. But maybe it could be, if they could simply stop fighting and move on. Batman needed the proof of some progress before he would be able to forgive.

The Dark Knight led them both out of the building but it took time, considering they were up two floors. In the meantime, the Mad Hatter was muttering about the Mock Turtle and his sadness while The Joker wouldn't stop giggling occasionally, or even laughing a few times, at whatever he was thinking. Part of him wanted to just knock them both out but at least they weren't bickering again.

"Aw, lighten up Hatty!" Obviously he thought too soon. "You've still got Johnny- Oops!" The Joker deliberately slipped, laughing with careless mockery. "Oh that's right! He's with old puzzle-boy Eddiekins now, isn't he?" Jervis bit his lip morosely through more raucous laughter.

Batman accidentally let The Joker smash his head on a doorframe as they made their way through the house. "Speaking of which," He ignored the protesting clown trying to squirm out of his grasp and batcuffs, "you wouldn't happen to have anything to do with Crane and Nygma's new partnership would you Tetch?" Their newly found and seemingly unbreakable affiliation had become a real pain lately to deal with.

Jervis sighed before chirping back a quote. "**"'Tis so," said the Duchess: "and the moral of that is- "Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!"" "Somebody said," Alice whispered, "that it's done by everybody minding their own business!"**"

Whatever all that meant, the detective was pretty sure the new relationship between Scarecrow and The Riddler had something to do with this self-styled cupid.

His own new partner was complaining about domestic abuse while the Mad Hatter went on trying to drown him out with a song.

Punching both their lights out seemed very tempting now, but they were nearly outside.

"Ooh! I know how that one goes actually!" The Joker laughed as he finally listened to the song of his fellow rogue.

Jervis was singing, "**"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at!"**

Then The Joker took over the next two lines loudly. "The first Robin was a dick! Second got a crowbar shtick!"

And they both finished together, "**"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at!"**"

As if they weren't enough of a pain spatting. Their madness unifying them together was intolerable.

But "Dick"? That was a little suspicious from The Joker, as well as obviously being completely tasteless...

Opening the Batmobile's roof once he had escorted them both there, Batman decided it was best for The Joker to go in the back; he didn't fancy a repeat of the "Ooh! What does this button do?" chorus the clown had struck up last time he was conscious in the front. Tetch, though equally curious, was less likely to stupidly poke at things he didn't know.

But that meant getting a conscious Joker into the back, which wasn't easy either. It reminded Bruce of a time he had seen a vet trying to get a cat back into its carrying box. The creature squirmed in his grasp, writhing and kicking, feet tensed against the edge.

"God damn-!" He swore as the awkward villain nearly elbowed him in the face. "I thought you wanted to go with me!"

"I don't want to sit in the back!" The Joker complained with all the graceful petulance of a child. "Why does Hat get to sit in the front?! I want to sit in the front!"

This was beginning to seem hopeless. "Don't you remember what happened last time? The buttons?"

Though he continued to resist, The Joker stopped squirming. "Do you really think I'd be stupid enough to poke them again after they knocked me out last time?"

Batman wasn't actually sure about how he _would _answer that. Stupid enough to do something he knew would knock him out, no. Stupid enough to think it was funny and worth doing anyway, maybe.

It seemed as if the only way he would get his wriggling captive into the car was by punching him into a stupor or,

"Joker."

"Wha-?"

A kiss, one the Dark Knight sprung on his arch-nemesis the instant he turned his head to the call. It was only simple, too shocking for The Joker, to get fancy in his reciprocation, but it lingered longer than Batman had planned. Its pleasantness surprised him he supposed, that those blood red lips, though slightly chapped, could feel so good pressed to his.

Well it worked anyway.

He was able to place the Clown Prince into the back of the Batmobile and secure a few restraints on him as easily as had he been a stuffed toy. The toxic green eyes were vague and distant, for once the garish grin nothing more than a normal mouth.

"Now Tetch, I-"

They were the only two there.

"Damn it!" Batman felt like punching something for stress relief of this new-found frustration but he wasn't going to punch his car or new partner.

A little humming came from inside his car. "Oh?" The Joker seemed dazed but unable to keep a beaming smile off his face. "You mean you didn't want to let the little tea-sucker escape? I thought you would have noticed something like that, my big, hunky detective." Of course his passenger was now going to be insufferable about the kiss. It wasn't going to keep him distracted the whole ride home, even if Batman had rather hoped that.

The Dark Knight sighed.

It hadn't taken that long fussing with The Joker. The Mad Hatter couldn't be far. But perhaps he deserved a little freedom just this one night; Jervis had done rather a good deed after all, both for the city and the two individuals involved. Besides, it didn't seem Arkham would do him any good at this point in time. If all he was going to do was run about playing cupid for whatever reason, it probably couldn't do that much harm.

...It _hopefully _couldn't do that much harm.

Besides – as he looked to the clown singing some obnoxious song about giraffes in the backseat of his car – some things were best not left to their own devices no matter how restrained you thought they were.

"If you let me out of this," The Joker began to barter when he had Batsy's gaze again, "I'll help you catch the paedo midget." He waggled his eyebrows encouragingly.

With one final glance to where the Mad Hatter must have run off, "Maybe another night..." the Dark Knight hopped into his car and had the roof slide shut.

"Ah well. Your call Bats." The passenger in the back shrugged. "But hey, I'd be happy to help you stop my fellow miscreants from now on. Sounds kind of fu-!" He was jerked into silence as the Batmobile suddenly accelerated. "F-Fun, the whole swoopy, dark-shadow-hiding, thug-beating bat game!" The Joker laughed cheerfully and Batman was not surprised he saw all this as nothing more than a game. "I mean, I alread- Urk!" Sharp corner. "Starting crime, stopping crime... Can't be that hard! I've just gotta' do the reverse of my normal thing, right?"

Batman frowned, not doubting the use the Clown Prince would be on his side but not fancying all the deaths that it would entail.

But The Joker needed something to apply himself to. He very much had the air of a bored, genius child about him – especially sitting in the Batmobile going "Ooh!" at all the passing lights and bouncing with delight at the speed. If perhaps the voltage could be turned down on his joy buzzers, Joker gas made non-lethal...

""**He went galumphing back. "And has thou slain the Jabberwock?" "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if only you walk long enough.""**

Up on a second floor fire escape, the Mad Hatter listened to the engines fade away into the night. He leant his chin into one gloved palm, smiling to himself. "The Cheshire Cat always has been telling Alice he's mad too; perhaps he'll listen now."

He thought about climbing down and continuing on with his plans but the night was beautiful, in its Gotham-way. Alice wouldn't mind waiting a little longer for him. After all, it was always tea time now.

""The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."" Jervis chuckled. "I do hope you're right Mr. Wilde, for then there might be hope for us yet."


End file.
